Needing Direction

My BF in Florida gave me some precious and much needed encouragement today when she told me, "You're inspiring people you don't even know." Crying, I realized that I'd spent the past few months missing the point of my journey.

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS, I told God that I wanted Him to use this season of my life to bring Him honor as well as encourage others. The realization of what I asked was brought to new light today - what if the way I can reach people is by working my ******** ass off and never looking like a super athlete? What if people need to see a healthy woman who just won't ever fit the mold of this world's standards? Ever.

Now, I'm not saying that I'll never reach my health goals, or that I won't strive for a healthier weight. It's just as the year is drawing to an end, I'm not happy with my outlook on life. After all the positive things that have happened, why am I still hung up on my weight fluctuating? Okay, so it's a lot more than just gaining weight, it's the whole process of working out twice as hard as everyone and not seeing results. (and yes, I eat clean 90% of the time so I don't need a "maybe it's what you're eating?" talk). I just get sick of being healthy without a body that reflects my extremely active lifestyle.
In fact, it SUCK BALLS!

What if I'm being asked to be okay with that?

While I realize that I am vocal about fighting against what our society tells us is acceptable physically, I get discouraged when I don't see results or get to buy that new pair of jeans that fits oh, so nicely! I really want new jeans, yo. And I'll be the first to admit that I want that amazing weight-loss story with a smokin' body to boot. What if my motto "Strong is the New Sexy" is being put to the test?

Maybe one of the hardest setbacks of my condition will be the biggest tool to encourage others that it really isn't about the weight loss at all. (Secret (not): I'm not the best spokeswoman for self-image security).

A couple of weeks ago, a girl at my box was watching me do a brutal WOD. She came up afterwards telling me, "Every time I thought about quitting during the WOD I looked at you and kept going. You encourage me." Wow! What a moment of pure encouragement for me! How silly would I be to think that my voice on this topic can only be heard if I'm a size 2? Maybe this valley is being used more than I know and that's why I'm traveling through it.

I don't want to let someone else's idea of "good" define my accomplishments. Healthy > Skinny, and for the first time I'm settling into living that truth. Needing to lose weight to feel like I'm healthy is not okay anymore. If my body doesn't respond like I want when I'm making every safe effort to keep it running smoothly, then I need to respect it for that. I am learning to listen to my body, stay healthy, train fierce, eat clean, help my hormones, and much, much more. Shouldn't that be enough? If only we didn't live in a world run by looks. The best I can do is make it so my world doesn't run off how I look and pray that my discouragements can someday be someones encouragements. Even if that means I've got a long, hard road ahead of me.

*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. Please seek professional medical advice for any health concerns dealing with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The author and her content cannot be held liable for opinions expressed in this blog.

Beginings...

My first post is a stumbling, rambling [hot] mess. But aren't all our first steps like that?

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Living with this diagnosis has been a... ride. Difficult? Yes. Worth it? Hell yes. And I'm convinced that it can be this way for so many more women who have been struggling with this frustrating syndrome. *

I signed up to write a blog [this blog] five years ago. You can write a lot in 5 years.

But I didn't.

5 years (and no words) later...I went to grad school. For Children's Literature. I know, probably not the best program for someone who's scared of a writing a blog. How could I ever hope to write a book if I couldn't even brave a blank page?(I've been agonizing over this post for three four hours now.)

So what does grad school have to do with PCOS? (Especially one in kiddy lit.) Well, PCOS is a lot like going to grad school. At least, it was for me and my writing brain. I knew I had to start somewhere and, just like with PCOS, there was a learning curve. But through both of these experiences my passion for life was renewed and I found tools that not only helped me grow as a writer, but also as a healthy, happy woman. It may sound strange, but grad school is where I learned to live life to the fullest. 

And I hope that's what you find here: the knowledge that there are others out there who have been through/gone through/enjoyed through this battle before. I plan to share my struggles [and triumphs. Yay for those!] in the most honest way I know how: through words [and maybe a poem or two: Ode to Ovaries? Too soon? I'll wait til we know each other better].

Stay tuned...

-Hannah

*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and any information I share on this blog, unless otherwise stated, is an expression of personal opinions and this blog and author cannot be held liable. Please consult a medical professional for further information and treatments.